People
Who's who in local business
Sapphire Bob Baggit, founder of Sapphire Bob's Phone Pharm Services was recognized this week as Local Businessman of the Year. Sapphire Bob graduated from Oakmont High and worked at San Francisco Tech for several semesters in custodial department. He then left school and moved 'somewhere down south' and entered the pharmaceuticals business, where he amassed a small fortune. Sapphire Bob met his current wife, Trixie, ona business trip to Las Vegas, and the were married after a storybook 3-hour romance. The happy couple moved back to the City by the Bay a year and a half ago and started up a lucrative telemarketing business. Sapphire Bob is quick to attribute this success to others: 'If it weren't for the hard work of my employees, I wouldn't be makin' squat.' Our congratulations go out to Sapphire Bob and those fortunate enough to work for our Local Businessman of the Year.
Mutant Collation announcement Mutant Pride Celebration
The Mutant Coalition has petitioned Mayor Lender to designate April 2 as Mutant Pride Day. According to Mutant Coalition Grand Poobah Leppo Davis, Mutant Pride Day will be celebrated regardless of whether the Mayor makes it official or not. Events slated for April 2 include a parade, a pie-eating contest and a three-legged race (there must be at least two participants). In addition, local musical groups will perform. The Lineup includes Brains and Eggs, Meat Whistle, and the Buchanans, who are sure to sing their big hit We're so right, we're left.
Puppy chews off man's leg!
(AP) Rochester, NY native Pablito Esmith woke up last week to find that Barkley, his 3 month-old Labrador Retriever, had chewed his leg completely off! According to Mr. Esmith, he'd been up late the night before drinking `mucha tequila' and passed out on his living room sofa. He didn't relaize the leg was gone until he tired to stand up the next morning. Immediately after falling to the floor, Mr. Esmith noticed barkley playing with the leg. The impromptu amputation wasn't all bad, though: 'I've been trying to many years to lose weight,' said Mr. Esmith. Now weighing in it at a svelte 195 pounds, he is scheduled to leave the hospital today.
EXCLUSIVE: The Black Arrow Killer strikes again
by Licia Pernell
In what appears to be a carbon copy of the serial murders committed in Arizona and Nevada over the past tow years, a young woman has been murdered in New San Francisco. Police are not releasing any information at this time, including the name of the victim. This reporter has learned, however, that evidence was found at the crime scene which indicates the Back Arrow Killer has struck again.
Reports from several months ago hinted that the police had finally caught the serial murderer in Nevada. This was never confirmed or denied, though this recent tragedy seems to prove that the killer is still on the loose. We will provide all possible information when it becomes available.
Sports
Gortz on sports by Al Gortz, Jr.
The big news today, of course, is the arrest of Mano Manosaukis, the power-hitting catcher for the Bay City Mutants. Mano was booked on manslaughter charges, stemming from the fatal incident which took place yesterday evening. In the bottom of the fifth inning, Mano ripped a hanging slow curve into the stands to the left of third base, hitting a woman in the forehead and killing her instantly. After the game (which the Mutants won, 5-4 on Manousakis' three-run upper deck blast), Mano was cuffed and escorted from the ballpark in a patrol speeder. As it turns out, the victim was Mano's ex-wife and witnesses say that Mano pointed in her direction moments before stepping into the batter's box. Police suspect foul play.
Fishing prose contest winner
The following entry, submitted by Natty Lorson, was chosen as the winner of our annual Why I Love to Fish writing contest. Natty wins a for day, three night, all-expenses paid trip to Stain Lake, Oregon and a new set of waders.
Throughout history, fly fishing has remained the pinnacle of the anglers' art. Other weapons of attack on dwellers of lake and stream may come and go, but when a man has tried everyone, if he is a philosopher at all, he will come back to fly fishing. For the fly rod offers other inducements than merely winning the physical fight. The satisfaction lies, rather, in one's closeness to nature, in his becoming one with his environment, in the life-long pursuit of big ass lunker trout.
Culture
Computer bizz buzz by Mr. Data
According to Chad Froth, spokesperson for Microsoft, there is simply no truth to the rumors that Bill Gates has died in a tragic speeder accident and been replaced by a life-like computer replica. There has been considerable speculation ever since the release of Windows 42, in which Bill Gates was pictured on the cover with a hand over his head, apparently staring down at a flower-covered grave. Fueling the 'Bill is Dead' rumors are several snippets which cna be heard if the new Microsoft Golf CD #1 is played backwards on a CD player. One of the phrases, reportedly spoken by Paul Allen, says: 'I buried Bill.' Microsoft adamantly denies these allegations, saying that the phrase is actually 'Libraryville,' the code name for a new Microsoft cyber-literature product.
Movies and Shakers
Bruce Willis, still fit and spry at age 91, is set to star in Die Hard XVIII: Still Alive and Kicking. Willis says that this will be the last and most exciting movie in the popular cinematic series. The plot centers around a terrorist takeover of a Fort Lauderdale retirement community. Co-stars include Paul Reubens as the terrorist leader and Macauley Culkin as a bitter ex-child star. Also in the news: United Features announced today that Waterworld, the 1995 sci-fi classic, finally broke even.
Daylight savings shift still hot topic
The Daylight Savings Shift, which was enacted January 1, has met with mixed reviews. While the Surgeon General has applauded themove, saying that it will reduce skin cancer deaths by at least fifty percent, others have been highly critical. 'We're not owls, for pete's sake,' said Representative Carl vanDotty (D-Alabama). Senator Vincent Pole (R-New Jersey) adds: 'This whole fiasco is turning us into a bunch of frickin' nocturnal beasts!'
Though there are many rural spots which have yet to shift business hours from a.m. to p.m., all metropolitan areas have complied with the changeover. On the plus side, most business have seen little difference in employee effectiveness and absenteeism, and crime is down in most cities as criminals are forced to engage in their nefarious activities during daylight hours. Hospitals, however, have noted an increase in cases of insomnia and sleep disorders. The Surgeon General advises that this is a temporary result of the necessary adjustment, and will soon pass.
Does this sound like your kind of job?
Work in the same building with lots of interesting people
- Earn up to 15 minutes in breaks every four hours
- Enjoy a full hour for lunch (unpaid)
- A clean, sanitary bathroom available at any time
- Three fully functional drinking fountains dispensing icy cold water
- Punch in on a state-of-the-art time clock
- Sit in a comfortable chair with arm rests
- Make $$$ simply by talking on the phone all day
If this sounds like the kind of exciting career you've dreamed about, contact Sapphire Bob's Phone Pharm Services at 555-0801. A challenging and rewarding opportunity in the field of Telemarketing could be your stepping stone to the FUTURE!
Be an artist!
World-renowned fashion expert Francois will appear for one night only at the Bayview Community College Amphitheater. Francois, founder of the noveau avant garde fashion movement, will lecture on a variety of topics, including Art, Apparel & Accessories, Dressing for Suicide, and A Basie Black Turtleneck: The New Blue Blazer. Tickets are $163.27 and are available at the door. The lecture begins promptly at 8:19 and cigarettes will be served after.